Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.