Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.