Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

me refusing to leave twitter

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB