If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh