If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
You Might Also Like
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Got him!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts