If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog