Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Make me look younger

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

HELP 😭

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though