Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.