If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.