Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.