Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.