Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching