If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Nice try Hitler
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.