If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
This is sending me to another galaxy
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.