If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Uh oh 👀
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Stop.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.