If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Hey I worked for it too!
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
it must be school picture day
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.