If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
