If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I need this for my side hustle.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.