If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
2022 be like
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
im gay on my mothers side
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again