Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Pandas 🐼🖤

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’