If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
You better wish for more oil
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.