If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”