Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views