Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.