Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?