[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.