Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
You Might Also Like
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.