Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?