If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
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mom had nothing to worry about
had to share :’)
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
#Caturday
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Never forget.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.