If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.