If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
kids play hide and seek like
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )