If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played