Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes my dude

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

What?!?

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*