If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy