If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what