Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pictures of spider-man

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I feel seen.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.