Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

So glad we cleared that up

Otters drive ottermobiles.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.