If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Ugh
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter