Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Swedish for common sense.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday