If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot