If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
when unicorns get really drunk
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”