If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
B
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Liquor Store Parking
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.