If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”