If you’re testing me, we failed.
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The Weeknd is back
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?