Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix