If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.