If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
#gardening
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there