Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

this chia pet tastes awful

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey