If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
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Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I put the h in mysterious.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!