If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
You Might Also Like
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
well this is just bullshirt
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Cashiers are always checking me out
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
me: let鈥檚 change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn鈥檛 possibly. I鈥檓 late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma鈥檃m, he鈥檚 11 years old
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don鈥檛
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds