{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’