If you’re thinking about writing a reddit post about it the relationship is over

You Might Also Like


Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!


°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec


NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.


Her: Who’s your favourite literary vampire?
Me: The one in Sesame Street
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does


I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.


When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.


Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”



me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie