@miahoth

If you’re thinking about writing a reddit post about it the relationship is over

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@shamans_heal

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

@CornOnTheGoblin

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@opiaticus

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Who’s your favourite literary vampire?
Me: The one in Sesame Street
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

@tracietom

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

@Real_Dick_Head

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

@Skoog

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie