If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
NASA has no chill
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Lucky old June.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.