If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”