If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving