Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

My blood type is b hungry.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

When you don’t understand how floors work

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

*puts my mental health in rice

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone