Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew

The Chosen Phew

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.