If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.