If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
You Might Also Like
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016