Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where the womens at?

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?