if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.