Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I’ve disappointed better people.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”