If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.