If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
584.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)