Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

This kid is going places

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”