If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
That’s amazing.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.