If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
True statement👍😏😁
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
True?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does