Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Coffee for people with no kids

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.