When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE