HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.