If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:


Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>


I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.


Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.


after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host


I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.


Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.