@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

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@markedly

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

@UncleDuke1969

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@DonQuickoats

If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

@HenpeckedHal

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.