Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus