If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
first you must answer his riddles
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.