If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.