If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
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Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.