Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.