Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.