Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

Uh oh 👀

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*